By Oswald T Grimethorpe Esq.
Keswick AFC’s manager Paul Frampton has announced a raft of new signings the day before Keswick’s High Sheriff’s Cup semi final against Sedbergh Wanderers in Penrith, telling the press that he ‘needed silverware’ and had taken drastic action to bring those ‘babies’ home.
First off veteran keeper Kenny Nelson joins the squad – known as ‘the Fire Starter’ he is seen as safe pair of hands in behind Keswick’s new back three. Alan ‘the Guvnor’ Lee, Martin ‘Lumberjack’ Thwaites and someone Frampton described as “A Reilly or a Rowley’ I don’t really know what they are called and it doesn’t really matter – Sam or Chris Riley or Roughly – one of those three (it may be four) completes the back three. It’s the life of Riley frankly”
Player Coach Kevin Frampton (no relation) then introduced the new midfield of himself, a returning Andy Frampton (no relation), Mike Frampton (apparently no relation) and one ‘new boy’ in either George Frampton (ditto) or Joppy Hodgson (son of a certain Sharon Frampton, but apparently no relation either). Frampton (Kevin) said that whilst he was very keen on family and that ‘Robbie’ was up for a game too, the fact all the midfield players and management seemed to be related was ‘pure coincidence’ and ‘not of importance’ before saying to the Herald who asked a difficult question ‘right I’m off to Spoons’ for a pint.
Up front, it’s out with the new and in with the old(er). Jamie Little is dropped in favour of Jimmy ‘the Grassman’ Little. When asked by the Gazette if ‘he knew the most about grass’ in the Keswick team, Frampton (Paul) replied ‘no I think that would be D …….’ BUT before he could complete his answer he was interrupted by team lawyer Ben Challis who said that this must be a ‘no comment’ answer. Also replaced is Declan (with a D) Robinson with new signing mysteriously called ‘Peter Pan’. Frampton said that papers for Pan are being lodged with the FA and he could say no more. There also seems to be no room in the new squad for the league’s top scorer Richard Bannister (Frampton added that scoring goals was not a priority for a striker), new boy Lewis (‘cool as a cue’) Cumber, handy winger Tom Atkinson or any Webster or Dowson, Hindmarch or Hilton, Stafford or Bell – and it seems Andrew Rigg has been replaced by Barcelona’s Malcolm Rigg – in what could be an impressive signing from the Camp Nou. But do the management know?
All in all, an interesting morning on April 1st in Keswick. Watch this space! Oswald T Grimethorpe will get to the truth – somehow!